🌈 Pride 2023 #2: Horoscopes

No June would be complete without Pride horoscopes

I’ve made it an annual tradition to commune with the heavens during Pride month and produce a useful horoscope that you can apply in your own personal and professional life. Please read into the horoscope that applies to you as much as you like.

Your Pride horoscope this year corresponds with the month that you joined your current job. If you are currently unemployed, it is the month that you left your previous job. If you have not been employed, it is the month that you were born in.

January

The universe is calling you. Let it go to voicemail. It's your time to make it someone else's problem. Take a sick day and play video games. This is the month of shedding responsibility like a snake sheds skin.

DO: Archive the unread messages in your inbox. You’re not going to read them anyway.

DO: Pay someone to clean your home. You can spend the time you save shedding other responsibilities.

DON’T: Drive more than twenty miles from home. There’s nothing there and driving is exhausting.

DON’T: Look at yourself in the mirror. Let your appearance be something you don’t burden your mind with.

February

There's so much you don't know because you haven't been paying attention. It's time to come up with a strategy: pretend like you know what you're doing, or stride confidently through your ignorance. Nobody else was paying attention either, so you'll probably get away with it.

DO: Roast your friends in the group chat. It's hilarious when you do it.

DO: Avoid situations where you could be called out. Just because you’re confidently doing a bad job doesn’t mean people need to bring you down over it.

DON’T: Leave the movie theater to pee. You're going to miss the most important scene and everyone is going to shame you for it after.

DON’T: Initiate any large financial transactions. Do not invest or uninvest.

March

Everything you dream this month is going to be extremely significant. Keep a dream journal. Missing important details will lead to your ruin. Read too far into your subconscious and apply whatever astrological methods give you the most intuitive results.

DO: Prepare your own food. Be wary of anyone who offers you something to eat that you did not see get prepared.

DO: Use a metal detector. Your luck will be increased.

DON’T: Buy anything made from artificial fiber. Purchase only solid-color garments.

DON’T: Track your steps. Do not let anyone know where you have been or for how long. It’s nobody’s business.

April

"Haste makes waste," as the saying goes, but nobody ever had any fun going slow. This is your month to be fast. Let the speed flow through your soul like a cat after midnight.

DO: Divide and conquer. Make progress addressing your problems like Julius Caesar did to Gaul. May your wins be small but decisive.

DO: Use a dictionary. You're going to use a word that you don't really know the meaning of and it'll be embarrassing for everyone.

DON’T: Drink clear liquor. Also, DO: delete your ex from your phone.

DON’T: Travel in a convoy. Find your own way.

May

This is a time of pessimism. Do nothing and assume all outcomes will end poorly.

DON’T: Dress in bright colors. It’ll make you stand out in a bad way.

DON’T: Stick your hands or feet out of a moving vehicle. You shouldn’t be doing this anyway, what’s wrong with you

DON’T: Drink carbonated beverages. You’ll burp while trying to talk on a Zoom call and get a little bit of puke in the back of your mouth.

DON’T: Order seafood at a restaurant that isn't explicitly known for its seafood. Or the hollandaise.

DON’T: Dress in dark colors. It’ll make you stand out in a bad way.

June

Do you hear that? It's the sound of a nice vacation. Perhaps you have a bunch of miles that you don't know what to do with? This is your time to be fabulous on a beach or a boat.

DO: Crypto. You don't really need "possessions" or "assets" when you have the metaverse and a wallet full of bitcoin.

DO: Buffets. Chinese buffets. Old Country Buffet. Hotel continental breakfasts. Eat as much as you can as often as you can.

DON’T: Hold back on social media. The world needs to know how chill your month is.

DON’T: Commit financial crimes. While generally good all-the-time advice…it’s especially true this month.

July

July in the US is a month for 🇺🇸 patriots 🇺🇸, but now is a time for pay-tree-….its. Pay trees like money trees. … Okay, it sounded better in my head. This is a month for wealth! Spend like nobody is watching! Buy another house! Upgrade your car! Donate to charity and post about it on social media!

DO: Pick up the tab. Offer to get dessert when you’re on that date. Pay for the guy behind you at McDonalds.

DO: Confidently invest in ways you’re unqualified for. Forex! Crypto flash loans! Be the financial maven that everyone around you needs.

DON’T: Carry cash. The wealthiest among us only use cash to throw at the poors. Be like them and write ✨cheques✨

DON’T: Look at your credit card statement. Let the bank call you. That’s their job.

August

August is the month for illness. And with illness, immunity. Do everything you can to stay healthy. Double mask. Triple mask. Take Tamiflu before you need it¹. Inundate yourself with vitamin C until you pee orange juice.

DO: Get comfy with a hot water bottle and a moist towel on your forehead. It’s surprisingly relaxing.

DO: Wear latex gloves in public to avoid touching things with germs.

DON’T: Breathe anything that has not passed through at least two HEPA filters.

DON’T: Shake any hands. Only elbow bumps, foot bumps, polite bows

September

It’s time to connect with your friends, family, peers, neighbors, and anyone else you can find. Over-communicate! Bond with people you don’t know! Liberally poke on Facebook. Go through your Gmail contact list and hit up people you haven’t spoken to in years to catch up.

DO: Send more LinkedIn invitations. To network. For people who aren’t in your industry, just in case.

DO: Request to follow private accounts. Find out what they’re hiding! Then bond over it.

DON’T: Forget to tag your friends in the comments of memes on Instagram and Facebook.

DON’T: Think you’re going too far. It’s just plain old friendly behavior.

October

It’s not October this month, but that’s no reason not to embrace spooky season vibes and the occult! Hang out with some witches. Bake a pumpkin pie. Perform a seance. Ignore the cobwebs when cleaning. There’s no reason not to channel Big Halloween Energy.

DOooOOOoOoOO: Ghost hunting. Get one of those electromagnetic things and bring it places that you shouldn’t be.

DO: Potions. And by that I mean skin care. Go to Bath and Body Works and get some nice stuff to put on your face or whatever.

DON’T: Get too seasonal and start to dip into Big Thanksgiving Energy. This is not the fall.

DON’T: Dress in costume. Spirit Halloween isn’t open yet and for your own safety and dignity you shouldn’t be dressing up.

November

It’s time to experiment with savory culinary delights…just like the ones you enjoyed back in college! See which combinations of condiments work and which do not. Find the crusty bottles of sauces from the back of your fridge and see how they’ve aged. See what goes with freezer-burned Hot Pockets.

DO: Think outside the box. Or as Taco Bell says, “Think outside the bun.” See what kinds of weird shit fast food places will make for you.

DO: Invent new combinations of alcohol. Keep in mind: there are a lot of college students out there, so you’ve got to get REALLY wild to find something actually new.

DON’T: Consume any food from a gas station that hasn’t been individually sealed in plastic.

DON’T: Plan to do anything the day after.

December

Ah yes, the month of telling your family that it’s not their turn for the holidays, or that you can’t go because you didn’t get time off. This is the month of disappointing your family and ruining tradition. Break the mould! In a bad way! Don’t let the feelings of your elders stand in the way of following your dreams.

DO: Get a motorcycle. You should do this one anyway, they’re hella fun.

DO: Get a tasteful neck tattoo. It’s worse when they know it looks good on you.

DON’T: Get promoted or otherwise experience success in your career. If you absolutely must, keep it a secret.

DON’T: Let your parents get their hopes up that you’re going to get married. If you are getting married, act indecisive about it. If you’re already married, tell them it’s purely for tax benefits.

1. This is not medical advice.