Microwaves piss me off

If you’ve spent enough time around me, you’ve probably already heard this rant. I’m upset about microwaves.

Microwaves are something that most of us own. College students have microwaves. The elderly have microwaves. Microwaves are in lots of hotel rooms. There are very few demographics of people who live independently that don’t have a microwave. Despite their ubiquity, they really, utterly suck. And they have hardly changed at all in the last thirty five years. And that’s what I want to talk about.

Let me just take a quick moment before we jump in: if you’re sitting in an office with a door at Samsung or LG HQ reading this and you’re like, “This is what I’ve been saying for years and I’d like to give this guy money to build his dream microwave,” you should definitely get in touch. Because this is something that would get me out of bed in the morning.

The buttons

The quintessential microwave UI from Sebastian Hunt’s microwave redesign exercise.

Let’s start with the UI for microwaves. Everyone has experienced the pain of this. They almost universally use membrane switches, which are quite possibly the worst kind of tactile sensation a button can offer: a disappointing smoosh with no obvious feedback (which microwave designers bandaid over with a shrill beep—more on that in a minute). But moreover, they’re hard to clean! To safely clean the buttons on a microwave, you need to unplug the damn thing, which is harder than it sounds if the microwave is mounted. Or you need to be very gentle so you don’t accidentally set the microwave off.

The buttons on most microwaves are also universally terrible. First, you’ve got a full numeric keypad, a start button, and a stop button. Often, pressing a numeric button starts the microwave on its default mode for that number of minutes (although that usually only works for numbers 1-6), and the start button will “add 30 seconds”. I almost always microwave for 90 seconds, which requires either two button presses (1 + start) or three button presses (start three times). You can also enter a custom time by pressing a “Timer” button and entering the time, which is at least four button presses.

Which buttons you press to most efficiently enter the cook time is a wild exercise. Compare this to the common microwave UI in the 80s and early 90s: a dial. You turn it, and it goes. Now, you need to think and press one or more buttons—perhaps multiple times.

On essentially every microwave, we’re cursed with a number of other buttons:

• A button to set the power. When you press it, you usually enter a number 1-9 to set how much power the microwave uses. Nobody knows the right power level and everyone who has tried it has gotten it wrong at least once and been disappointed. Recipes that call for setting the power level have no idea what they’re talking about because no two microwaves are the same.

• A defrost button that does something. It kind of defrosts, I guess? But it’s slow, and just microwaving on lower power seems to do mostly the same thing. Sometimes there’s a “time defrost” and “weight defrost”. Pressing them tries to show some kind of message on the 8-segment display that they all use, but it’s unreadable. It’s unclear how this differs from just setting the power level.

• A button to set the clock. I’d expect many people don’t set the clock because some manufacturers have come up with such a confusing interface that it’s just not worth it to figure it out. If it’s more complicated than pressing “CLOCK” > enter time digit-by-digit > “START”, it’s not going to happen.

• A list of inscrutable buttons that nobody has ever ever pressed, or has pressed and regretted.

  • Everyone has pressed “POPCORN” at least once and burned a bag of popcorn. Everyone.

  • “POTATO” which is wild because the thought of microwaving a potato to create a baked (microwaved?) potato is wild. We all know microwaves don’t cook evenly, and the thought of a partially-raw/partially-cooked/partially-completely dehydrated potato is gag-inducing.

  • “BABY FORMULA” or “BABY MILK”, which nobody with a child has ever pressed.

  • “BEVERAGE” excuse me??? What kind of beverage? How big? How is this different from just microwaving for ~one minute?

  • “DINNER PLATE” Are you microwaving a plate to warm it up? Are you microwaving a plate of food? Nobody knows and nobody has ever pressed this.

  • “FROZEN VEGETABLE” is another mystery.

  • “FRESH VEGETABLE” is utterly baffling. What human being is microwaving fresh vegetables? What fresh vegetables (other than potatoes?) are best served hot but not cooked?

• A button to have a timer without running the microwave. In the age of smart phones and smart speakers and kitchen timers this feature is not needed by really anyone.

The clock

Let’s talk about the clock. First, I’m entirely unconvinced microwaves need a clock. My kitchen already has a clock on the stove. Every stove I’ve ever used has featured a clock. For kitchens (or dorms) without a stove, it’s arguable that the microwave isn’t the thing which should pick up the role of putting the time out into the room.

My first pet peeve with the clock is that you need to update it at least twice per year. Updating your clock usually involves typing a new time (5-6 button presses at minimum). But it’s not as simple as you think, because of one absolutely idiotic feature that so many microwaves have. This brings me to my second pet peeve about microwave clocks: AM/PM.

Some microwaves—like the one in my house—go so far as to have a dedicated AM/PM button (yes, they dedicated a whole button to this!) to toggle between AM and PM. Others require you to enter the time in 24-hour format, which means that up to 12 hours later you discover you’ve set the time wrong. In either case, you frequently do not think to set whether it’s AM versus PM, and the PM indicator is just wrong.

Here’s the thing: exactly nobody needs this. I’ve said this probably a thousand times at this point: if you don’t know whether it’s the morning or the evening and your microwave is the thing that you turn to, something in your life has gone deperately wrong. Some folks may say “well what about 24-hour military time” and to that I say: it didn’t need a clock in the first place.

The beeping

Let’s talk about the beeping. Before the beeps, on microwaves of old, there was often a little bell that would physically chime when the cooking was done. They very literally had a little manual kitchen timer inside them, which controlled when the microwave was active, and when the timer ran out, shut off the microwave and rang a little bell.

A photograph of a manual kitchen timer, stolen shamelessly from Walmart.

But then something happened: microwaves went digital. There’s only so much you can do with manual controls. And so microwaves got their membrane switches, and membrane switches mean you need to provide some kind of feedback to the user so they know their mushy, unsatisfying button press actually did something. And the solution for that was a little piezoelectric buzzer.

This really salts my onions: microwaves essentially only make one noise, and they’ve managed to find the cheapest, shrillest piezoelectric buzzer ever invented to jam onto their bill of materials. Any 4+ button operation a real exercise in auditory endurance.

When the microwave finishes cooking, it makes some distinct, drawn-out beeps to let you know that your food is done cooking. This is useful in principle, but it’s also terribly annoying. So much so that manufacturers have a hidden feature where you can silence the damn thing.¹

How the microwave behaves when singing the song of its people is also a great signal for how well-made the microwave is. When the microwave finishes cooking and starts beeping, consider:

• You open the door and it stops beeping: the designers understand why the microwave beeps and that nobody actually wants to hear it after the usefulness of the beeps goes away.

• You press the STOP button and it stops beeping: the programmers have wired up the STOP button to exhaustively handle all of the situations where things can be stopped.

• You open the door and press the stop button and it still does not stop beeping: the designers and the programmers don’t care and it’s a bad microwave.

Anecdotally, it feels like the number of microwaves that observe the intent of the user has shrunk over time. This is pure laziness: anyone who has used a microwave in their home (which should include the people making them) should have said to themselves, “Man, I wish this thing would stop beeping when it knows I’m done using it.” The fact that we’re many decades in on digital microwave tech and this isn’t standard is wild.

The unaddressed shortcomings

All these things aside, the microwave has a number of fundamental problems that nobody that I’m aware of has done anything at all to fix.

1. It’s too easy to overcook something.

   1. Why doesn’t the microwave shut off if something inside of it seems to be way too hot? Do we not have the ability to sense temperature?

   2. Why don’t microwaves include built-in sensors to detect smoke? How many dorms have been evacuated because of overcooked popcorn or Easy Mac?

2. It will literally explode if you put metal in it.

   1. Is it not possible to detect metal inside the microwave before the cook cycle starts?

   2. When the microwave starts to explode due to metal inside of it, the microwave can’t detect that and stop?

3. Living things in microwaves is a gruesome trope.

   1. It seems like microwaves should have literally any safeguard against this, like a little infrared light+sensor that can detect movement while the microwave is closed and not cooking.

How would I fix the microwave?

I can rant about microwaves all day. But I also have some ideas for how to fix at least some of the glaring problems.

First, the controls should be a capacitive touch screen. The microwave’s controls should be completely inoperative when the door is open, making it easy to wipe down with a sponge. The screen should have haptic feedback to signal button presses.

The screen should have no clock, and should turn off when it has not sensed motion in front of it or been touched (like my Nest thermostat).

Being a touch screen, you can hide and show controls based on their immediate usefulness. When I approach my microwave, I’d have it show this:

1. A slider, where sliding up from the bottom shows an increasing time up to 5 minutes, in 15s increments. Releasing starts the microwave. You should get a nice satisfying haptic buzz as you slide.

2. A button, which reveals a numeric keypad to enter a time manually.

3. A settings button

4. Maybe a presets button that reveals a menu of preset options.

Now, I know I shamed the preset buttons on microwaves today. But their real flaws aren’t in the button itself:

• You don’t know what the button does because you don’t have a screen (and by “screen,” I mean a piece of glass with a grid of pixels) to explain it.

• The buttons are one-size-fits-all.

In my eyes, these presets are just combinations of time and microwave power. Each preset could be a little card with the actual details of what it’ll do, like “Potato: 3 minutes on 80% power”. Maybe even a button to adjust the preset, like if you have extra big potatoes. Or it could have popular popcorn brands pre-programmed with the actual cook times from the packaging. The ordering of the presets could easily be based on frequency of use, and the presets could easily remember customizations.

When you have a scrollable screen, the ability to display arbitrary text, and accept semi-arbitrary options, the inscrutable buttons suddenly become meaningful and useful.

When cooking, the microwave would display:

1. The countdown to completion

2. A button to stop

3. A slider to adjust power

4. A control to add or remove time

It’s as simple as that.

The features I listed above that are seemingly missing should come standard:

1. Sensors for smoke, extreme temperatures, movement before cook start, and arcing metal should be safeguards.

2. The ability to detect some metal in the microwave before cooking starts, to present you with an “are you sure?” prompt

The chime when you finish cooking would be a proper speaker. Loud enough to be heard, but playing something that isn’t a shrill beep. This should be configurable. The microwave should also feature a light on the front that can indicate that cooking is complete.²

As far as settings go, there’s always more than you think there would be. I think there’s some opportunity to do some fun and useful things:

1. An option to clear any stored data

2. The option to default to a numeric keypad over the slider (or even default to the presets)

   1. I suppose you should also be able to turn features off so they’re hidden in the UI, like presets

3. The ability to disable the safeguards individually

4. The ability to configure the longest possible cook time

5. Child lock, a la Android pattern lock (or PIN)

6. The option to configure the haptic feedback (increase/decrease/disable)

7. The ability to configure the alarm when cooking completes (mute, or a library of nice sounds)

   1. Also, the ability to specify how long the sound plays for

8. UI color scheme

   1. Holiday theme options are honestly extremely cutesy but I would use it.

9. Accessibility options

   1. Text size

   2. “Voice over” mode, that reads off the controls as you slide your finger along, lift your finger and tap to activate

   3. Adjust how the lights on the unit flash/pulse to alert you when cooking is complete

10. Language settings

11. Configuring how/when the screen lights/dims when you approach the unit

Conspicuous omissions

You’ll perhaps notice that I haven’t mentioned wi-fi or bluetooth. Frankly, I don’t think a microwave should have connectivity. Firmware updates should be possible with a USB flash drive or SD card. The cost, complexity, risk, and usefulness of wireless connectivity simply don’t make its inclusion worthwhile.

I’m also not putting a clock in the damn thing. There are clocks everywhere, and the microwave has no business being time-aware. When you’re not using or near your microwave, it should be dark and inert.

I also think anything that involves recipes or QR codes is a giant waste of time. Microwaves are not universal cooking appliances and we shouldn’t pretend they are or should be. GE has a range of smart microwaves that let you scan a UPC code on the packaging of your food to cook it to perfection. Except, this is simply nonsense: you don’t take a package out of the freezer and put it directly into the microwave. You almost always have instructions to follow (puncturing packaging, laying it out on a paper towel on a plate, peeling plastic). Is the cost of the microwave’s UPC scanner and bluetooth/wi-fi connectivity really worth being able to not have to read the cook time?

I won’t dunk on smart microwave brands, because if I got going, we’d be here all day. People have been trying to make smart appliances for ages, and they start with a design process of “put ‘smart’ in front of the name and figure out what features that thing would have,” instead of “figure out how to use modern electronics and UX patterns to make the thing easier to use.”

“Smart” should be the progression of “good,” not “connected”

Making an appliance “smart” doesn’t mean connecting it to the internet. There’s essentially no kitchen appliance that needs to communicate outside your home. The "smartness" comes from making the thing more convenient. Let's look at a blender, for example. A "smart blender" might have a mode that automatically senses when the thing you're blending is blended and stop. Frequent blender users: how often do you make a smoothie and end up with little unpleasant ice chunks because you didn't blend well enough? A smart blender would do something like detect the little vibrations from the ice hitting the blades and change direction or modes to ensure it's done a thorough job. That's smart.

Here’s the “2.1 cu. ft. 30 in. Width PrintProof Stainless Steel 1,050-Watt Smart Over-the-Range Microwave Oven with ExtendaVent 2.0”, as it is lovingly listed as. It clocks in at a whopping $550 before tax.

LG’s microwave with an exceptionally long name

What’s astounding to me about this is that this thing is smart because it has some extra sensors to “detect optimal cooking time” for “better results.” Listen: nobody trusts their microwave to cook a meal on autopilot. My dryer can’t accurately detect when my clothes are no longer moist, my microwave isn’t going to tell me when my food is cooked properly. Stop trying to make this happen.

But as far as I can tell, the thing that makes it cost twice as much as a regular microwave is this:

Pairs with your LG Smart range to automatically turn on the microwave vent and light when the cooktop is in use, for a seamless cooking experience

That’s right, you can use their app to connect it to your wi-fi so that it automatically turns on the vent when you use your range. That’s it.

And despite that, it still has fixed, painted-on³ buttons. The same inscrutable buttons as any other "dumb" microwave. It even tries to remedy this flaw with an explanation of the functions on the inside of the door:

An explanation of what the buttons do on the inside of the door, because who doesn’t love opening their microwave to figure out which button they should press when they close their microwave.

Dear LG: I promise you this isn’t what consumers want. This is a toy for someone who wants the top of the line, regardless of whether it is actually good or useful. Being able to connect to my microwave with my phone—in my eyes—is a liability, not a perk.

Let me illustrate why this isn’t a “cool” microwave with an example. Tesla cars, for better or worse, are fairly desirable. Lots of people buy them. Are they the best when it comes to build quality? No. Are they the best when it comes to options? No. Do they have a lineup that suits everyone’s needs? No. Do they have the best range? No. Is the value the best? No. And yet, they’re overwhelmingly popular cars.

The reason people like their Tesla cars so much is the attention to detail. The software is mostly not buggy (and the OTA updates tend to be frequent enough, and fix most of the issues). They have creature comforts, like auto-cancel turn signals and a nice visualization and chimes that helps you park. The navigation and map work really well, and the UI is smooth. The graphics look like they’re from high-quality software. The mirrors fold in automatically. Your phone is the key.

In the Year of the Linux Desktop 2023, get into any Ford/Toyota/Hyundai vehicle (or even higher end brands, like Mercedes/Lexus/BMW) with a touch screen and interact with it. The animations are usually janky or absent. The map feels like your dad’s Garmin from 2007. The UI feels cheap. Keyless entry is still an unsolved problem. The cars feel like cars from ten years ago.

Tesla cars, frankly, feel like great cars to a lot of people. They don’t win along most axes, and they don’t tick all the boxes. But they are consistently good enough that it’s easy to look past their weaknesses.

When I buy an appliance, I don’t want an appliance that has “smart” bolted on. I want an appliance where designers sat down and thought about what the purpose of the thing is from first principles. Is a capacitive touch screen and haptic feedback overkill for a microwave? Yes. Is a motion sensor that illuminates the screen as I walk up to it unnecessary? Absolutely. Is it what I’d expect from a $550 microwave? You bet your ass it is. Hell, you could probably sell this microwave with a fairly small margin and still make boatloads of money, simply because people would go so far out of their way to have it, because it makes sense.

If you removed all of the things from my dream microwave that don’t reasonably exist today (namely the sensors), it accomplishes no task that an existing microwave doesn’t accomplish. In fact, it probably does less on paper because there’s no button to warm baby milk or whatever. But consumers never cared about long lists of bullet points as their metric for goodness, they care about whether it makes their lives easier. Being a joy to use often means disappearing.

And that’s really where most appliances are at: the optimization of tried-and-true patterns. How about a washing machine that will give you a little jet of warm water so you can wash your fingers and the little detergent cup, because you’ll inevitably get detergent on the sides and then it’s sticky and awful. How about a Kitchenaid that can warn me when I’m about to overmix my dough? Or a stove that automatically turns on the light when it detects someone kneeling in front of it?

Microwaves are absolutely not the only thing which could be far better, but they’re perhaps the most obnoxious pieces of hardware that so many people own.

1. Pressing and holding the STOP/CANCEL button or 0 or 1 will often “mute” your microwave entirely.

2. I’m imagining flashing or pulsing, perhaps as a sort of piping around the edge. But I think it would also be cool if there were LEDs in it that were bright enough that it could be usable as a signal for deaf users.

3. Perhaps it’s not paint, but I don’t know what other term to use for buttons that are touch sensitive but aren’t backed by a display.